Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. She had already asked him. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Question. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Source: Facebook. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. The week after is all good. Reply with 'Hey' Back. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. Flat? Being one half of a couple is also very handy in this respect. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. Great, Thanks for Asking. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. I dont understand the point of the question. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. The bigger words you use, the better. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. Were no longer friends because she never wanted to make time to hang out with me; she just wanted free babysitting. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. Can't complain. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. What is the stuff?? Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. Person A: Hi, how are you? Climbing mt laundry! Im well aware of that risk. Tell me about you. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. Yup. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. N- New adventure. Ahhhh the family stuff. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. Just how I like it :). I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? 2. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. Because everybodys got something. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? and get back to work.) I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. My blood pressure. And then deflect back on to them. Why? Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. Im working on this myself. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Our relationship got better when I moved out. I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Gah, I still worry though, like Blueberry Pancaaakes said about her sister, what if she cancels plans she needed or would have enjoyed? Im white. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. And Im totally ok with that. Him: Doing anything else? I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Now when he asks I say party like a rock star. hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. Can you repeat what you just said? Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. No Response. You can do that! If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. This strikes me as so strange! I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. What are you doing for dinner? Assholes. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. But you, yours steals the show every time. [I often go in around lunch time.] Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? One girl mentioned the How are you? and said shed learned not to answer it truthfully because people dont actually care. All of us Americans responded that, well no, its not that we dont actually care. Them no problem, I hope things are going well for you. What works for you? Why do people ask? Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. 1. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. Try these instead. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Thanks! Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? Mittens and I can primal scream together. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. Aunt: Good! Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. They know this. Read. Giving my turtle a haircut. Indeed. Them: What are you doing this weekend? 8. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. Bear in mind that you may only ask where are you from once, but the person with the non-local accent is not unlikely to be asked multiple times a day, every single day for YEARS; and POC may be on the receiving end for their whole lives. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. Me: Nope. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. (via Shutterstock) 7. Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. My instinct leads me to: answer back in the affirmative (great) because Performing Happy is expected of us, thank them for their interest (thanks), and repeat the gesture (yourself?). I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. Me: .No. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. Ive had a fear of seeming bossy or overbearing, but Ive found in the past few years that people really seem to appreciate someone getting the ball rolling. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. 1, It feels rude not to ask back.

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